Agoraphobia. My Achilles heel. My weakness. Call it what you want....but yes, I have this wretched mental illness. Even if you know me personally or have met me in real life, you might not have been aware of it because it's pretty much always invisible in some situations, and I've learnt how to control my anxieties externally so it doesn't freak other people out so much; or become embarrassing for myself.
MY STORY (Because, you're nosy, right?)
On the cusp of transitioning from teenagehood into my twenties, it became increasingly obvious to myself and the people around me that something in my everyday functioning had changed. It would be easy for me to blame certain people, or situations, however my parents have expressed that I have had "agoraphobic tendencies" from a young age. So it's probably a combination of emotional stressors and natural susceptibility.
I started to have dizzy spells and derealization episodes for no obvious reason. This grew into a fear leaving the house and a constant heightened sense of anxiety. It manifested itself in panic attacks on buses. Panic attacks in the street. Panic attacks in the shower. Panic attacks on panic attacks. I eventually stopped trying to fight or flight, and caved into the fears and was housebound within a few weeks. This included fun stuff like seeing friends and shopping, things I'd previously loved but was too afraid to do.
Almost kicked out of college and between screaming matches with my parents, I then proceeded to spiral downwards for the next five years until I hit rock bottom and would only leave my house about once a month. I would sleep on top of my bed sheets because I felt trapped under a duvet. Survived on one bowl of cereal a day, skipped my thyroid medication, and went months without washing; 4 months was a particularly bad stint. Pretty much clinical depression in a nutshell.
12 sessions of CBT on the NHS didn't even scratch the surface, and I was discharged back to my GP feeling more unwell than ever. However after my mood continued to plummet, I decided enough was enough and sought out private therapy after a few years of minimal functioning. I'm currently receiving psychotherapy online (as of May 2017) and working on a graded exposure form of CBT.
POPULAR AGORAPHOBIA Q&A'S
OH, AGORAPHOBIA. THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE AFRAID OF BEING OUTDOORS?
The most common misconception! Really, its a fear of panicking or being trapped in a situation you cannot escape. It's a full blown phobia of having a panic attack. And eventually you just run away from everything you are scared of, and that avoidance becomes a learned reaction until you are a fully fledged agoraphobe.
BUT WHAT DOES AGORAPHOBIA LOOK LIKE?
Everyone fears different situations but generally agoraphobia manifests in a shared phobia of the following situations:
- Travelling
- Shopping (supermarkets, shopping centres etc.)
- Appointments (dentists, doctors, etc.)
- Socializing; both in the house and in busy locations
- Lectures, job interviews, public speaking
- Public transport
- Sitting mid-row in a cinema, theatre etc.
HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU'RE PANICKING?
A lot of people associate panicking with the stereotypical hyperventilating, however panic attacks are entirely personal. Some people have palpitations, others sweat profusely. Many people just have a sense of "get me the fuuuuuuuck out of here" before the jelly legs and spinning head set in. I personally feel extremely zoned out and fear that I'm about to lose my mind. It's exhausting.
These are some general symptoms:
- Sensation of a racing heart
- Feeling faint or dizzy
- Tingling in the hands or fingers
- Tightness in the throat or chest
- Sense of extreme terror
- Sweating or having chills
- Feeling overwhelmed
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AGORAPHOBIA AND GENERALIZED ANXIETY?
The two conditions are under the umbrella of anxiety, so obviously share common characteristics. I would say that a phobia is a specific fear about SOMETHING whereas generalized anxiety is a fear of EVERYTHING.
Generally speaking, if you are changing your behaviour to avoid situations in which you panic or get very anxious but you can still relax in some situations, it could be agoraphobia. But please speak to a GP or qualified therapist before self-diagnosing.
I BET YOU LOVE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME INDOORS, RIGHT?
The grass always seems greener on the other side! You can do a lot of fun things indoors-
binge-watching TV, reading, writing, exercising....but trust me, overall it's LONELY. And the "novelty" of these activity wears off within a few weeks of being stuck inside, and you just become bored and frustrated. Its like being invited to a party with all your friends and having to watch it all through a window. Indoors is safe, but safe isn't enough. Its blunted, its claustrophobic.
SO WHAT CAN YOU ACTUALLY DO?
I've been at that point where I couldn't get past the front door. Shit, I've been confined to my room on some days. There's probably some bleak humour in it somewhere, but in hindsight but I was genuinely terrified and very distressed.
Currently, I am comfortable with going to certain safe places, which are usually places I'm familiar with. But within that, each location has a set of terms and conditions; so I can go to the bank but I'll go when its less likely to be busy. So I'm still bound by rules set by that voice in my head. I dunno how to crack it, but I'm working on it.
More information, links, resources and more regarding Agoraphobia:
Mo
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