What Is Derealisation/Depersonalisation? My Experiences of Feeling "Unreal"

Image courtesy of Pexels

Yesterday a video popped up on my YouTube home page; a trending video from vlogger/musician Dodie Clark in which she, and Mental Health vlogger Kati Mortan, discussed the topic of derealisation and depersonalisation. Now, this was a video that I NEEDED but was not expecting, which made it so much more uplifting and comforting to watch. Over the past year I've definitely noted an increasing intensity of the dissociation symptoms, which has peaked over the last 6 months as my mood dipped into unknown territory.
*NB: Depersonalisation/Derealisation are commonly experienced together, so I'll be abbreviating to DPDR in some cases for the sake of my fingers typing this blog post!*

My earliest memory of feeling derealised was around the age of 8. I was happily riding along the pavement on my fancy new metal scooter, until WHOOSH! suddenly everything around me felt completely strange and unfamiliar. It was over in seconds and I didn't worry too much about it; I literally just scooted off without a second thought.

Through adolescence, this sensation would sometimes come completely out of nowhere in short "jolts" which cause me to physically flinch as my surroundings went flat for a couple of seconds. Obviously alongside this, I could also experience the odd few days of feelings of unreality and out of body experiences which would usually occur when I was stressed, sleep-deprived or awaiting the monthly visit (side note- periods are not your friend if you already suffer with mental health stuff. hormones are the enemy). But it wasn't until I turned to Dr Google, that I found a name for this weird "off" feeling I'd experienced at school, in classrooms, at music gigs, and anywhere that was a bit stressful for the senses.

Perhaps these odd sensations were not much of an issue until my late teens, where I started to experience more chronic and irrational episodes of derealisation and depersonalisation; which would play a huge part in developing agoraphobia at the age of 18. Every time I left the house it felt like I'd walked onto a film set, and that the houses, cars and people would reveal themselves to be cardboard cut outs. I started to question reality and really fear I was losing my mind. Classrooms felt overwhelming; the concept of sitting in a room full of people completely bizarre for my dissociated brain. A vivid memory is me actually sprinting home because I'd gotten half way to the bus stop but felt like I was trapped in a bubble. Its still a symptom that haunts me because its so prevalent. Even without a tight chest, dizziness and general anxiety, I can experience the dulled callous sensation of DP/DR.

But what actually ARE derealisation and depersonalisation? Because they sound pretty freaky on paper? They are often described as a disorder if the patient experiences them regularly and without any other diagnostic criteria for panic disorders or depression, however DP/DR is a very very VERY common symptom of extreme anxiety. I have my own take on what they actually are from extensive research; simply a safety mechanism that attempts to protect your brain from too much stress. Because its easier for your mind to process whatever shit you're going through, if its perceived to be a "story". Just my two cents.

The aforementioned video that I've posted below for reference probably does a better job of explaining the whole disorder, because Mortan is a genuine mental health specialist. I found her explanation of "small trauma" and splintered memory processing completely refreshing. In all the therapy sessions I've sat through, no one has explained that to me with such clarity. And its comforting to hear the practicality behind such an emotive, and scary sensation. DPDR is so often brushed under the carpet because although you feel sensations of unreality, you're not technically psychotic so most professionals will choose to ignore it and treat the wider depression/anxiety. Which is logical, but frustrating because it's bloody terrifying!

I personally do believe that my own DPDR is connected to depression/stress, because I rarely feel one without the other. Derealization is much more intense during panic, and depersonalization is horrifically intrusive during depression. The last couple of years I've had an increase in these sensations, which I can only attribute to my mood getting worse too.

So how do I deal with this? Honestly I don't have a very good answer, other than truly immersing yourself in your surroundings and trying to ignore it. Which is usually terrible advice for anything medical, however by freaking out about dissociation, you'll just dissociate even more. Say it after me: depersonalisation and derealisation are SAFETY FUNCTIONS.

But honestly I hate all that "keep calm and carry on" bullshit when I'm in a tizzy, so here are my practical tips for coping with DP/DR.

- Learn how to ground yourself. I favour tactile touch and smells. This takes practice to find what works for you, but try: running your hands under cold water, washing your face, eating something cold, drinking something hot, smelling essential oils, eat something with a strong flavour.

- Think logically about your sensations. The more you obsess, the worse it gets. You are safe. You will be okay. As soon as you have a DP/DR thought and start questioning reality, do something practical. I always think chores are really productive and distracting. Hyperfocus on what you're doing. Let your mind wander, but bring it back to the task at hand.

- Don't make late nights a regular thing. Value sleep and the rest it gives your brain. Doing exercise during the day can really tire you out and make relaxing at night much easier. Plus endorphins are good for ANY mental health problem.

- Avoid staring at screens for too long. I'm way more out of it when I've been looking at a computer screen all evening.

- Try talking therapy. There could be a reason why you're feeling dissociated, and talking through your past experiences could help you resolve any feelings you're still holding onto.

Want to learn more? Here are some more in-depth articles and self-help tips for DP/DR:
Anxiety Care UK; Depersonalisation and Derealisation
Calm Clinic; Derealization - A Scary Anxiety Symptom
Health Guidance; How to Stop Feeling Depersonalized
DP Self Help; The Holy Grail of Curing DP/DR (forum)

Inside the Mind of Agoraphobia: At The Supermarket

The supermaket. An integral destination of most peoples' weekly food shop. Or maybe the supermarket is your place or work, or you just like to visit supermarkets. Anyway, the bottom line is they are TERRIBLE for anyone with agoraphobia. What is so terrifying about a retail unit filled with shelves stacked full of food? Nothing, rationally. However you need to understand that agoraphobia and anxiety disorders are based entirely in emotion, and negative thought patterns rather than logic.

Supermarkets are also usually full of people failing to steer trolleys with abject disregard for strangers feet, the dizzying sounds of checkout scanners and the terrible possibility that you might bump into an acquaintance and feel forced to stifle a vague conversation with. These are very regular anxieties the average shopper with experience, so throw a fear of panic attacks into the mix and we've got ourselves a target for exposure therapy to improve severe agoraphobia.

(A quick description of exposure therapy; forcing yourself into situations you fear so you can experience panic/anxiety to remove the overall fear of the situation. It's not sexy, it's not fun- it's a slog and I hate it. But essentially its the only way to beat a phobia.)

So now we're all up to scratch on the lingo, today I'm sharing with you my experience of going to the supermarket with my Mum. This is going to be as honest as possible so hopefully provides an insight into what goes through the mind of someone with agoraphobia, as they confront their worst fears.

Location: Home
Symptoms: Tightness in chest, dizziness, general sense of dread
Fear Rating: 6/10
So I've just finished wrestling with a bad hair day, and trying to embrace the bouffant pixie cut. Already the anxiety is chatting away in my head in an attempt to talk its way out of going to the supermarket. The dizziness is setting in. Despite wearing a stretchy jersey top, it feels like I'm strapped into a stuffy corset. Breathe 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold 1, 2, 3, 4. Out 1, 2, 3, 4. I lace up my leopard desert boots (that suburban pimp aesthetic tho) but I'm not sure they're the right shoes. Will the flat soles smack too hard on the glossy floor of the supermarket? Are they comfortable enough if I were to panic? I'm sure I've had a panic attack in these shoes before. Just wear the bloody shoes. Okay, purse, phone...yep. Spritz of deodorant, spritz of perfume. Walking down the two flights of stairs I'm feeling wobbly. Mouth is feeling a bit dry so I down a carton of juice before pacing it down the hallway and straight out of the front door without looking back. No returns. Into the car, radio on.

Location: Outside of the Supermarket
Symptoms: Mild dizziness
Fear Rating: 5/10
I normally feel a drop in overall anxiety when I arrive at the destination, which can spike again when I actually get inside; depending on how "safe" I deem the situation to be. This is usually based on how busy, hot, or loud an environment is. Anyway, its early afternoon on a weekday and this supermarket is crowded. Great. As we pull in the car park is near enough full, so already I'm speculating about how overwhelming this experience will be. Just focus on what you need to buy. Just focus on the anecdote Mum is telling you. Seriously, so many people? It's been far too long since I've been to a supermarket. Why are you so useless? Its a supermarket. How will you ever grow up and get a proper boyfriend and house with a mortgage and a mildly fulfilling job if you can't even face a fucking supermarket? Walking through the doors. Annnnnnd we're in.

Location: Queuing in the Supermarket
Symptoms: Dissociation, feeling trapped, rising sense of panic
Fear Rating: 8/10
I HATE QUEUES. We're stuck behind two women buying a whole trolley full of dog food. Like, the massive, my-dog's-actually-a-fucking-wolf kilo bags. Get.me.to.the.nearest.exit. I find myself re-arranging messy stock on the shelves next to me, organizing packets of mints and aspirin into tidy stacks to self-soothe. I force myself into idle chat with my mum about quinoa. Actually this queue isn't as long as I thought. This could be alright? Maybe? Just got to get through the next few minutes. Don't question reality. Don't question your surroundings. Focus on your feet. Focus on the car registration plates outside. Do not question reality. Okay, we're checking out...just pack up the shopping. Can't pack quickly enough- are these guys trained to be till wizards? What the HELL DUDE> Actually don't feel so awful now we're on the home straight. You're almost done, almost done, almost done.

The upshot was the goodies I came home with- including 2 very strangely straight bananas. These are kind of like edible trophies for having survived a supermarket with severe anxiety. I'm not usually this healthy at all, but I'm trying to become a reformed character who likes raw fruit and vegetables because I'm a terrible vegetarian. Ha. Ha ha. Anyway that knows me IRL will be rolling their eyes. Edit: The falafel wrap and edamame beans are 10/10, would recommend. 

Was this a successful exposure therapy trip?
I didn't actually leave the store at any point, despite wanting to on many occasions. Cutting out of the queue and waiting outside is something I used to do a lot, so the fact I could stay still and deal with the symptoms so I'm proud of that.
However it was hard to me to stay in the situation until anxiety has completely dissipated because I was with someone else. Like, that was just how the situation panned out. So is that such a crime?
I think this location is going to be a 'rinse and repeat' as I avoided going right to the back of the store because it would have been harder to escape.

Goals for the next trip:
- Actually attempt to walk to the back of the store so you can peruse the yoghurts/ice cream
- Make a list so you don't panic buy and flap around saying "oooooh" at everything mildly interesting
- Don't write it off as a failure if you managed to stay inside despite feeling terrible

The Rise of The "Cult" Political Personality

This morning Jacob Rees-Mogg made his debut on glossy Good Morning Britain, amongst claims that he could be on course to become the next Prime Minister against a backdrop of Teresa May's dwindling authority from her seething Tory party. Rendering even the brash arrogance of Piers Morgan speechless, he boldly defended his opinion on abortion and same-sex marriage, which in a country where these acts have been fought with tooth and nail to become unspoken freedoms protected by law, were a rather shocking, if not predictable, admission from the infamous Tory MP. 

JRM, lovingly nick-named "moggy" by many of his cult following, is just the latest political personality to be propelled into a pop-culture movement with its own shiny #moggmentum hashtag. Further proof of his cult appeal comes as 25,000+ people have apparently signed up to Ready For Rees-Mogg which appears to be a campaign website to "lead the Conservative fightback and reignite Britain’s promise." Whatever that means.

Whilst I find his views on female reproductive rights and LGBT laws are completely juxtaposed with the average voters' actual opinion, you can't deny that Rees-Mogg a fascinating sort of character. The absolute embodiment of upper class, austerity dodging, southern British culture, from his staple single buttoned 1920's tailored suit to his milkbottle spectacles, the Conservative member for North East Somerset feels like more of a caricature of what Americans think British people are like, than an actual person. In fact, a basic pen sketch of JRM would probably make more sense to me than the man himself. His drawl tone delivers witty quips which delight the traditionalist moderate- right factions of society, who have been emboldened by the Brexit vote - and Rees-Mogg could be just the poster boy for a good-old-days-but-brand-new-sovereign Britain.

However it increasingly feels like our political races and elections are being infiltrated with cult personalities and shaped by activism movements. The rise of Rees-Mogg could potentially provide a right-wing mirror of the breakthrough performance executed by Jeremy Corbyn and Momentum in the 2015 Labour leadership race.

From the naked eye, Corbyn and Rees-Mogg are chalk and cheese every aspect, however their rise to popularity is rooted in similar characteristics. Neither have held a cabinet position, nor ministerial role, both instead choosing to sit on the back benches of the commons and rebel against party whips. This itself would point to why they could garner a cult following throughout their career; political figures who are outspoken and stubborn, albeit with no actual responsibility to deliver change, cannot be a target for anger at the government because they are "outsiders". By providing criticism to the gristle of elected governance, they are the underdog, the stick in the mud, who are sticking up for the average joe. This is welcome contrast to the flighty fairweather opinions of many a plucky, youthful career politician who are willowly, bending their words to whatever the crowd wants to hear.

But what is it about JC and JRM that enables them to garner such a cult following anway? Its a unique sort of phenomenon that seems to be growing, where someone considered to be unpopular and strange in comparison to mainstream standards, is recognized, mocked, then loved, and crowned as an "anti-hero" by the internet. It often feels tinged with irony and sarcasm, with fast-evolving memes directing the narrative. This combined with the general disenfranchisement of neoliberal policy and the democratic process of our current UK political landscape, provides the optimum conditions for steadfast characters to come out of the woodwork of the House of Commons, and be snatched up by those on the fringes of both political parties.

The leading force behind both the Moggmentum and Momentum movements, more surprisingly in the case of the latter, are young people; which is probably how both unknown politicians were able to garner such an unofficial, viral digital campaign. Historically though, young people don't bother to vote- although this years' election bucked the trend in terms of youth turnout and probably saved Labour from absolute misery. So there might just be legs in this cult leader thing, maybe just not enough to actually generate appeal from undecided voters, which is really the key to success of any electoral campaign.

Charisma has always been a hallmark of any popular leader, but even more so in a culture where personality is expected to be more like a "brand". This ultimately failed for Teresa 'strong and stable' May in the General Election, however in the case of Corbyn and Rees-Mogg, the appetite of the general public for their actual tenure as position of Prime Minister is yet to be proven. The most iconic phrase to come out of the Brexit debate was "Britain has had enough of experts", and its increasingly becoming true for the political leaders we regard as potential Prime Ministers.

Rebuilding Yourself (Slowly) After Depression

The previous month has been a toughie. If my happiness were a golf ball, it would have been so far from the fairway that you'd have sacked your caddy and retired to the clubhouse for a stiff drink with the curtains drawn. Golf analogies aside, from May through to June, I was improving. Genuinely going out and handling my symptoms. WIN. However throughout August, physical health problems grabbed me by the ankle and yanked me right back into bed. Cue depression. This particular visit from the ole' "Black Dog" peaked at around the 3 week mark of not getting dressed or washed where I was slumped in bed, greasy haired and resuming the fetal position (aha!).

Eventually with the help of my Mum, and long-distance encouragement from friends, I've started to get back on track to a more positive daily routine. My mindset is lagging, and I'm exhausted, but the smiles are returning and the laundry is getting done. I'm still dysfunctional, but I'm slowly emerging from the throes of a bad episode and back to my autonomous, low-grade depression.

My Tips For Slowly-But-Surely Rebuilding Yourself After a Depressive Episode

Start with a list
Write down everything you'd like to achieve- however simplistic! 1. get out of bed, 2. wash face, 3. eat breakfast, 4. shower etc. It will make your day seem less overwhelming and provide a sense of achievement when you go back to tick off your progress.

Take on small projects around the house (extra points: gardening!)
I find DIY jobs to be particularly helpful because it involves being practical. Repainting furniture or basic objects is therapeutic because it requires concentration but no skills. The picture at the top of the post is me tackling the garden fence panels in my scruffs, and it was a pretty manageable activity when I'm still getting back to a regular baseline mood. And if you have any outdoor area to work with, I highly recommend planting bulbs or anything that doesn't require much upkeep. There's a reason why Alan Titchmarsh is always so bleeding chipper- and gardening is probably something to do with it.

Spend as much time around people as you can 
You've probably holed yourself up in your house and switched off your phone as isolation is a key symptom of any anxiety or depressive disorder. In traditional English style, a hot beverage will provide a short but sweet opportunity to catch up. Some people prefer to chuck themselves back into partying, but this varies from person to person- if you've been extremely low, or just a naturally shyer person, you'll probably want to ease back in a bit slower. The point is to just BE around people; the activity is up to you.

Actually eat, like, proper meals 
Me and a close friend were just talking about this- and how pasta ala tomato sauce is not the key to happiness. Yes, its scrummy comfort food for bad days, however its nutritional benefits are disputed. Obviously what you put in your gut won't solve all your problems, but I found 24 Meals To Seriously Boost Your Mood to be nutritionally enlightening- however some of the recipes were a bit fussy so personally I'd deconstruct the key "mood ingredients" and adapt to meals I already make. Would personally recommend buying in canned stuff like kidney beans, sweetcorn, tomato puree, lentils etc. for baaaaaaaaaad episodes because that crap stays can-fresh forever and you can throw it altogether with couscous and pitta breads for easy meals.

Get a haircut, have a shave, moisturize 
Personal appearance gets put on the back burner when you're not feeling great, but its very important to take care of your outer-self because it can improve self-esteem. Emphasis on CAN. But fake it until you make it, huh? Wash your face, brush your teeth, give yourself a good scrub in the shower. And wash those bloody jogging bottoms so they're soft and fresh again.

Book an appointment with your GP or counsellor to discuss the next step
Top of the agenda for me. I feel like not enough self-care lists include the advice of a professional. Sure some folk might be able to bounce back, but don't be too hard on yourself if you can't. Talk about how you've been feeling with a doctor or trained counsellor; they may suggest medication or a course of therapy to help you manage your problems.

So it's a work in progress readers. For example, I found it very hard to get out of bed this morning and putting on make-up felt like an uphill battle but this afternoon I'm pushing against the "feeling" and helping Mum out in the garden. Keep going.