Inside the Mind of Agoraphobia: At The Supermarket

The supermaket. An integral destination of most peoples' weekly food shop. Or maybe the supermarket is your place or work, or you just like to visit supermarkets. Anyway, the bottom line is they are TERRIBLE for anyone with agoraphobia. What is so terrifying about a retail unit filled with shelves stacked full of food? Nothing, rationally. However you need to understand that agoraphobia and anxiety disorders are based entirely in emotion, and negative thought patterns rather than logic.

Supermarkets are also usually full of people failing to steer trolleys with abject disregard for strangers feet, the dizzying sounds of checkout scanners and the terrible possibility that you might bump into an acquaintance and feel forced to stifle a vague conversation with. These are very regular anxieties the average shopper with experience, so throw a fear of panic attacks into the mix and we've got ourselves a target for exposure therapy to improve severe agoraphobia.

(A quick description of exposure therapy; forcing yourself into situations you fear so you can experience panic/anxiety to remove the overall fear of the situation. It's not sexy, it's not fun- it's a slog and I hate it. But essentially its the only way to beat a phobia.)

So now we're all up to scratch on the lingo, today I'm sharing with you my experience of going to the supermarket with my Mum. This is going to be as honest as possible so hopefully provides an insight into what goes through the mind of someone with agoraphobia, as they confront their worst fears.

Location: Home
Symptoms: Tightness in chest, dizziness, general sense of dread
Fear Rating: 6/10
So I've just finished wrestling with a bad hair day, and trying to embrace the bouffant pixie cut. Already the anxiety is chatting away in my head in an attempt to talk its way out of going to the supermarket. The dizziness is setting in. Despite wearing a stretchy jersey top, it feels like I'm strapped into a stuffy corset. Breathe 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold 1, 2, 3, 4. Out 1, 2, 3, 4. I lace up my leopard desert boots (that suburban pimp aesthetic tho) but I'm not sure they're the right shoes. Will the flat soles smack too hard on the glossy floor of the supermarket? Are they comfortable enough if I were to panic? I'm sure I've had a panic attack in these shoes before. Just wear the bloody shoes. Okay, purse, phone...yep. Spritz of deodorant, spritz of perfume. Walking down the two flights of stairs I'm feeling wobbly. Mouth is feeling a bit dry so I down a carton of juice before pacing it down the hallway and straight out of the front door without looking back. No returns. Into the car, radio on.

Location: Outside of the Supermarket
Symptoms: Mild dizziness
Fear Rating: 5/10
I normally feel a drop in overall anxiety when I arrive at the destination, which can spike again when I actually get inside; depending on how "safe" I deem the situation to be. This is usually based on how busy, hot, or loud an environment is. Anyway, its early afternoon on a weekday and this supermarket is crowded. Great. As we pull in the car park is near enough full, so already I'm speculating about how overwhelming this experience will be. Just focus on what you need to buy. Just focus on the anecdote Mum is telling you. Seriously, so many people? It's been far too long since I've been to a supermarket. Why are you so useless? Its a supermarket. How will you ever grow up and get a proper boyfriend and house with a mortgage and a mildly fulfilling job if you can't even face a fucking supermarket? Walking through the doors. Annnnnnd we're in.

Location: Queuing in the Supermarket
Symptoms: Dissociation, feeling trapped, rising sense of panic
Fear Rating: 8/10
I HATE QUEUES. We're stuck behind two women buying a whole trolley full of dog food. Like, the massive, my-dog's-actually-a-fucking-wolf kilo bags. Get.me.to.the.nearest.exit. I find myself re-arranging messy stock on the shelves next to me, organizing packets of mints and aspirin into tidy stacks to self-soothe. I force myself into idle chat with my mum about quinoa. Actually this queue isn't as long as I thought. This could be alright? Maybe? Just got to get through the next few minutes. Don't question reality. Don't question your surroundings. Focus on your feet. Focus on the car registration plates outside. Do not question reality. Okay, we're checking out...just pack up the shopping. Can't pack quickly enough- are these guys trained to be till wizards? What the HELL DUDE> Actually don't feel so awful now we're on the home straight. You're almost done, almost done, almost done.

The upshot was the goodies I came home with- including 2 very strangely straight bananas. These are kind of like edible trophies for having survived a supermarket with severe anxiety. I'm not usually this healthy at all, but I'm trying to become a reformed character who likes raw fruit and vegetables because I'm a terrible vegetarian. Ha. Ha ha. Anyway that knows me IRL will be rolling their eyes. Edit: The falafel wrap and edamame beans are 10/10, would recommend. 

Was this a successful exposure therapy trip?
I didn't actually leave the store at any point, despite wanting to on many occasions. Cutting out of the queue and waiting outside is something I used to do a lot, so the fact I could stay still and deal with the symptoms so I'm proud of that.
However it was hard to me to stay in the situation until anxiety has completely dissipated because I was with someone else. Like, that was just how the situation panned out. So is that such a crime?
I think this location is going to be a 'rinse and repeat' as I avoided going right to the back of the store because it would have been harder to escape.

Goals for the next trip:
- Actually attempt to walk to the back of the store so you can peruse the yoghurts/ice cream
- Make a list so you don't panic buy and flap around saying "oooooh" at everything mildly interesting
- Don't write it off as a failure if you managed to stay inside despite feeling terrible