What Is Derealisation/Depersonalisation? My Experiences of Feeling "Unreal"

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Yesterday a video popped up on my YouTube home page; a trending video from vlogger/musician Dodie Clark in which she, and Mental Health vlogger Kati Mortan, discussed the topic of derealisation and depersonalisation. Now, this was a video that I NEEDED but was not expecting, which made it so much more uplifting and comforting to watch. Over the past year I've definitely noted an increasing intensity of the dissociation symptoms, which has peaked over the last 6 months as my mood dipped into unknown territory.
*NB: Depersonalisation/Derealisation are commonly experienced together, so I'll be abbreviating to DPDR in some cases for the sake of my fingers typing this blog post!*

My earliest memory of feeling derealised was around the age of 8. I was happily riding along the pavement on my fancy new metal scooter, until WHOOSH! suddenly everything around me felt completely strange and unfamiliar. It was over in seconds and I didn't worry too much about it; I literally just scooted off without a second thought.

Through adolescence, this sensation would sometimes come completely out of nowhere in short "jolts" which cause me to physically flinch as my surroundings went flat for a couple of seconds. Obviously alongside this, I could also experience the odd few days of feelings of unreality and out of body experiences which would usually occur when I was stressed, sleep-deprived or awaiting the monthly visit (side note- periods are not your friend if you already suffer with mental health stuff. hormones are the enemy). But it wasn't until I turned to Dr Google, that I found a name for this weird "off" feeling I'd experienced at school, in classrooms, at music gigs, and anywhere that was a bit stressful for the senses.

Perhaps these odd sensations were not much of an issue until my late teens, where I started to experience more chronic and irrational episodes of derealisation and depersonalisation; which would play a huge part in developing agoraphobia at the age of 18. Every time I left the house it felt like I'd walked onto a film set, and that the houses, cars and people would reveal themselves to be cardboard cut outs. I started to question reality and really fear I was losing my mind. Classrooms felt overwhelming; the concept of sitting in a room full of people completely bizarre for my dissociated brain. A vivid memory is me actually sprinting home because I'd gotten half way to the bus stop but felt like I was trapped in a bubble. Its still a symptom that haunts me because its so prevalent. Even without a tight chest, dizziness and general anxiety, I can experience the dulled callous sensation of DP/DR.

But what actually ARE derealisation and depersonalisation? Because they sound pretty freaky on paper? They are often described as a disorder if the patient experiences them regularly and without any other diagnostic criteria for panic disorders or depression, however DP/DR is a very very VERY common symptom of extreme anxiety. I have my own take on what they actually are from extensive research; simply a safety mechanism that attempts to protect your brain from too much stress. Because its easier for your mind to process whatever shit you're going through, if its perceived to be a "story". Just my two cents.

The aforementioned video that I've posted below for reference probably does a better job of explaining the whole disorder, because Mortan is a genuine mental health specialist. I found her explanation of "small trauma" and splintered memory processing completely refreshing. In all the therapy sessions I've sat through, no one has explained that to me with such clarity. And its comforting to hear the practicality behind such an emotive, and scary sensation. DPDR is so often brushed under the carpet because although you feel sensations of unreality, you're not technically psychotic so most professionals will choose to ignore it and treat the wider depression/anxiety. Which is logical, but frustrating because it's bloody terrifying!

I personally do believe that my own DPDR is connected to depression/stress, because I rarely feel one without the other. Derealization is much more intense during panic, and depersonalization is horrifically intrusive during depression. The last couple of years I've had an increase in these sensations, which I can only attribute to my mood getting worse too.

So how do I deal with this? Honestly I don't have a very good answer, other than truly immersing yourself in your surroundings and trying to ignore it. Which is usually terrible advice for anything medical, however by freaking out about dissociation, you'll just dissociate even more. Say it after me: depersonalisation and derealisation are SAFETY FUNCTIONS.

But honestly I hate all that "keep calm and carry on" bullshit when I'm in a tizzy, so here are my practical tips for coping with DP/DR.

- Learn how to ground yourself. I favour tactile touch and smells. This takes practice to find what works for you, but try: running your hands under cold water, washing your face, eating something cold, drinking something hot, smelling essential oils, eat something with a strong flavour.

- Think logically about your sensations. The more you obsess, the worse it gets. You are safe. You will be okay. As soon as you have a DP/DR thought and start questioning reality, do something practical. I always think chores are really productive and distracting. Hyperfocus on what you're doing. Let your mind wander, but bring it back to the task at hand.

- Don't make late nights a regular thing. Value sleep and the rest it gives your brain. Doing exercise during the day can really tire you out and make relaxing at night much easier. Plus endorphins are good for ANY mental health problem.

- Avoid staring at screens for too long. I'm way more out of it when I've been looking at a computer screen all evening.

- Try talking therapy. There could be a reason why you're feeling dissociated, and talking through your past experiences could help you resolve any feelings you're still holding onto.

Want to learn more? Here are some more in-depth articles and self-help tips for DP/DR:
Anxiety Care UK; Depersonalisation and Derealisation
Calm Clinic; Derealization - A Scary Anxiety Symptom
Health Guidance; How to Stop Feeling Depersonalized
DP Self Help; The Holy Grail of Curing DP/DR (forum)